a boy and his god

I've been thinking, cause that's what I do. I feel like I'm on to a few new ideas here, but I can't seem to sort them at the moment. I also can't decided if I wish to speak generally or personally. I want to be careful not to make too many statements about the general behavior of man, because, though some things seem very obvious, I don't like the idea of trusting my own opinion that much.

'Don't trust anything' sounds like a noble or humble approach, but it's not all too reasonable itself. There are plenty of things out there that are solid and trust worthy. I need to separate fact from theory or I'm going to end up an extremely confused individual.

I am a mostly confused individual. At least that's how it feels much of the time. I believe this is because I am going through a transition period in my life. My friend Jay talks about high school being a very difficult time for people because you are transitioning from being a kid to an adult and it alters everything. Circumstances, perspective, priorities, behaviors, emotions, hormones; it all comes at once. Much of what you once held to gets tossed aside. That's how I feel now. I've finally reached the maturity level of a high schooler.

No, I am just embarking on a similar course. Should be easier this time, if I've done it all before. In many ways it is. I have enough life experience to know the world as I know it can be completely obliterated and rebuilt. (possibly many times depending on the route I take) I'm fine with that. I'm used to it. It's not without plenty of excitement and mystery, and most importantly hope.

At the same time, however, I get leery of the views I hold. How do I know they will last? When will it all get flipped again? What can I hold onto through it all?

Well, God remained a rock until my most recent flip, and I can't help but wonder why. It's probably the question that's most important to me. Do I say probably because I'm really indecisive lately? No. I say it because I have a sneaking suspicion that why doesn't matter at all.

I'm getting more and more convinced that people believe what they believe and react principally on emotion. As much as we all like our facts and figures, they are all just a mask for our simple and fragile egos.

Let me toss out a few general examples before I get to myself.

Thousands(millions?) of people die everyday overseas from war, famine, disease, or some other horrific circumstance, but we are more likely to do something about a friend who lost a job here because we have an emotional connection to the situation. I don't say that to guilt trip anyone, I'm just observing. I have some guesses about why we work that way and how it might actually be good, but I won't get off topic.

If you do any research into pretty much any poll you can find an abundance of holes and conflicting figures that prove the study says nothing, yet people absolutely love to use them to back up their opinions. Also, if you ask someone for a little more backing to their opinion beside their fallback stat, you probably won't get it. We don't know what we are talking about most of the time with most topics, but we seem to need justification for our views, no matter how weak or false that justification is.

Incidentally, this is why I generally avoid politics. The vast majority of voters don't have a clue, which is depressing to say the least. Meanwhile, politicians have to cater to these people to get anything done. This is annoying to no end. I do think the system works about as well as a government can, considering, but I don't want to hear about it, and, well, that thought is pretty depressing too.

Religion and science don't get a free pass either. (By science, I generally mean in regard to history) Many people take very limited knowledge and use it justify extremely passionate beliefs. Both science and religion are theories and always will be. Every time something new is figured out, an entirely new level of complexity is reached. Both can explain how things work at deeper and deeper levels, but neither will ever prove a source behind life. However, people seem to have an emotional need to stand on some belief about how life works.

Obviously, you can take any one topic and find someone who has a thorough knowledge of it, but the general public will have no interest other than to scratch the surface. Again, this isn't necessarily bad, as we probably couldn't function at all without our vast simplifications. What's curious to me is the amount of faith we put into these uneducated views and the arrogance that usually accompanies it.

Then's there is me, clearly not standing firmly in my simplified beliefs, but having them all the same. I guess I can quickly see why people pick sides as my decisions and approach to life will vary substantially depending on where I stand. So should I pick a side?

Not necessarily. Like I said before, I think there are things that I can still hold firmly too, and I need to find out what they are. Some I know, like my morals. No matter what I end up believing about God, I will always be of the philosophy that I should aim to place others ahead of myself. It's also always going to be something I can work at, there will always be room for improvement.

The biggest debate in my head of late is the belief in a personal God. If God is closely watching, guiding my steps, and answering my prayers, I am going to live way differently than if He isn't. Currently, I am acting as if He isn't. This makes me more proactive, careful and even desperate to progress as a person because I can't count on Him to bail me out. Not to mention, it's a whole other perspective on the events I see everyday.

I get frustrated when others attribute random or even logical events to an act of God. I hope I get that way because I wish I could do that, and not because I think they are wrong. I do not and can not know if they are right or wrong.

But as I was saying, emotions rule the day. I believed in a personal God before because of the emotions stirred up through my encounters with Him. My simple logic to back them up would be answered prayers, and I had a few that were pretty amazing, but that is no proof at all.

I believed in a personal God because things were going the way I wanted them too. I liked Him and I was pleased. I say that with confidence because the opposite now holds true.

I don't want to believe in a personal God because I feel like He has let me down in very large ways, not coming though when I gave up a ton to follow him and even not coming through when a very preventable death was on the line.

I'd be much happier knowing He wasn't around all along. Then I'd have just been misguided. I wouldn't have to blame Him for not carrying through on His promises, and we'd be cool. If I continue to believe in Him, I continue to be pissed at Him. That's old-hat by now. I'd like not to be pissed. My solution is to decided He's not there.

Emotionally, this works out fine. My psyche has found a way to function as it always does. Some other level of emotionally, however, I am not fine with this. I don't like the idea of my beliefs ultimately being set in emotion. I want to believe there is more to it than that. Is it all really this fleeting?

Probably my view continues to be too simple. Probably I need to come to grips with how weak I am and how little control I really have.