What if God Exists?

Does he have complete control? Are there demons in my head? Does he decide to thwart them sometimes?

I can't explain much. But why do I suddenly feel so free? It's as if circumstances are irrelevant. I can just be. Peace, patience, kindness. No problem.

I think I've been in this state of being before. But years ago. Like 8 or 9 years. Maybe I've had days here and there where that freedom has returned. And how do I know this is not one of those times?

Certainly I have had high points in the last 9 years. In fact, the highest highs have happened in that time. But even they aren't often anxiety free.

I've been known to have a couple lows too. Just a few. And with it, and forever long struggle to figure out how to avoid depressive bouts, or at least react to them in a way that improves things. But I hit futility a couple years ago when my methods stopped working, and then even made things worse. I was left to dread the inevitable and hope for the best.

I still have no solution. Except to wonder if God just decided to give me a break. Could it be that someone prayed for my soul and in the dark mysterious world of spiritual warfare there was a victory?

I can tell you one thing. My behavior is almost solely dependent on my mood, which is to say I have little willpower. So what? Will I suddenly be more of who I want to be because my head's not spinning? If I do, am I responsible for any of it?

Well, here's to peace. May it stick around this time.