At Arms Length
I am very guarded anymore. I'm thinking it's fear of more loss that keeps me from seeing anything good in anyone. With any relationship, if I find something I admire and cherish, it will hurt to lose it. So I don't allow myself to admire anything. In a sense, I try to make everyone replaceable. That way if I lose them it doesn't hurt.
This approach closes my eyes to so many unique things about the people around me. These are the things that make them who they are. Everyone has a significant portion of themselves thats pretty generic. It's almost an autopilot function, and it acts in conformity with most of the rest of us - at least most of a subculture. I'm not saying this is bad. In fact, I'm certain a large portion of it is very necessary to function, and is even a good thing. However, the unique qualities of individuals are often lost in that environment. Each person has plenty that makes them unique.
The American culture pressures you to be unique. Being distinctive is obviously fine with me, as I have been saying that that is the thing I am missing about people. But I feel a pressure to be unique just for the sake of being unique. I notice it in large crowds, as if something is tugging on me to get attention and stand out, because that is success in the eyes of my culture. That kind of distinction is bad. It's self seeking. If everyone lives like that you have chaos.
Our culture caters to efficiency, which leads to more conformity, which makes it harder to see what is unique in others. Ironically, it is fueled by the desire for gain, which is typically selfish. So you end up with the selfish desire for gain battling with the selfish desire to stand out. They typically contradict one another, although the culture will tell you you can gain by standing out. If you do, it's usually at the expense of someone else's efficiency.
I've gotten a little diverted here. I was talking about me. By the way, the solution to that catch-22 is to be unselfish.
I certainly can't recall a time where I've felt more selfish than I do now. And perhaps that is my problem, I am trying to create the most efficient relationships so I can gain the most out of them. Meanwhile, I am trying to stand out myself so that I can be admired.
Again, the solution is to be unselfish. I seem to recall a time when I could look at others and admire certain qualities they have. Whether it be some trait like innocence or patience, or it be some skill like raising 4 kids. But I don't seem to ever observe admirable qualities in others anymore. Somewhere down inside, I've decided it doesn't serve me. While I look for what serves me I end up missing it. Is everything a catch-22?
There is one thing I want. It is success. There is one thing I don't want. It is pain. It is for these two reasons I keep most relationships at arms length. Keep it efficient for the success. Ignore the unique to avoid pain.
Ugh...What have I become?(cue DC talk song)
Now I've had deep relationships with many people. Despite my best efforts, there are still those people that it would hurt to lose. However, it's far less than it used to be. Isn't there a word for this? Callous. It's getting easy to be callous. Heck, it's been easy for a while. I am too good at distancing myself from others. I would say better than most. This gives me the ability to really hurt people if I'm not careful...just great...I used to be far more careful.
In conclusion...You know, I'd ask people to call me out when I am a jerk, but they probably wouldn't cause they're too dang nice. But it doesn't matter. I already know how to fix this problem. Hows about I get started?
This approach closes my eyes to so many unique things about the people around me. These are the things that make them who they are. Everyone has a significant portion of themselves thats pretty generic. It's almost an autopilot function, and it acts in conformity with most of the rest of us - at least most of a subculture. I'm not saying this is bad. In fact, I'm certain a large portion of it is very necessary to function, and is even a good thing. However, the unique qualities of individuals are often lost in that environment. Each person has plenty that makes them unique.
The American culture pressures you to be unique. Being distinctive is obviously fine with me, as I have been saying that that is the thing I am missing about people. But I feel a pressure to be unique just for the sake of being unique. I notice it in large crowds, as if something is tugging on me to get attention and stand out, because that is success in the eyes of my culture. That kind of distinction is bad. It's self seeking. If everyone lives like that you have chaos.
Our culture caters to efficiency, which leads to more conformity, which makes it harder to see what is unique in others. Ironically, it is fueled by the desire for gain, which is typically selfish. So you end up with the selfish desire for gain battling with the selfish desire to stand out. They typically contradict one another, although the culture will tell you you can gain by standing out. If you do, it's usually at the expense of someone else's efficiency.
I've gotten a little diverted here. I was talking about me. By the way, the solution to that catch-22 is to be unselfish.
I certainly can't recall a time where I've felt more selfish than I do now. And perhaps that is my problem, I am trying to create the most efficient relationships so I can gain the most out of them. Meanwhile, I am trying to stand out myself so that I can be admired.
Again, the solution is to be unselfish. I seem to recall a time when I could look at others and admire certain qualities they have. Whether it be some trait like innocence or patience, or it be some skill like raising 4 kids. But I don't seem to ever observe admirable qualities in others anymore. Somewhere down inside, I've decided it doesn't serve me. While I look for what serves me I end up missing it. Is everything a catch-22?
There is one thing I want. It is success. There is one thing I don't want. It is pain. It is for these two reasons I keep most relationships at arms length. Keep it efficient for the success. Ignore the unique to avoid pain.
Ugh...What have I become?(cue DC talk song)
Now I've had deep relationships with many people. Despite my best efforts, there are still those people that it would hurt to lose. However, it's far less than it used to be. Isn't there a word for this? Callous. It's getting easy to be callous. Heck, it's been easy for a while. I am too good at distancing myself from others. I would say better than most. This gives me the ability to really hurt people if I'm not careful...just great...I used to be far more careful.
In conclusion...You know, I'd ask people to call me out when I am a jerk, but they probably wouldn't cause they're too dang nice. But it doesn't matter. I already know how to fix this problem. Hows about I get started?
posted by tim at 10:52 PM
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