clarity

You don't suppose I was really hearing from god everday for a brief 4 month period 3 years ago. You know, that same brief period that felt like 10 years.

I seem to forget that small factor. That from a few hour conversation once or twice a week I had a clear direction of what to do with all my time. And while I keep saying I want to get back to an experience or a feeling, probably what I really want is to recover that guidance and direction.

I also seem to have forgotten that this tuning in ability I seemed to have had must have been a huge factor in my decision to up and go across the country. This has probably been forgotten because I haven't been making decisions like that since. Henceforth, I just seemed to be guessing and going and hoping it feels better.

While I do remember questioning whether I should send that letter, I don't think there was any question about moving. Rather, I seem to recall a very distinct conversation we had on the way to hollywood one sunday night. Where I said "Leave!? You want me to Leave?! Are you nuts!?"

Turns out maybe I was the one that was crazy. And the biggest problem when I reached the other coast was that direction suddenly disappeared. Then I didn't know what I was doing.

But I had a theory, if I just spent enough time praying and listening, god would tell me what to do. That was the entire premise of my previous 4 month excursion, or whatever you call it.

Only it stopped working. I kept trying to give more time, but nothing was happening. I still found no direction. That combined with an unanswered letter and a whole bunch of loneliness left me extremely confused and miserable.

By the time I shifted coasts again, I was so lost I didn't even know what I was trying to return to, let alone how to get there. At this point, all I wanted to do was get rid of the pain and find some peace.

But peace only seems to be found when you are not looking for it.

And now, all of a sudden, there seems to be somewhat of a return in direction and focus, and with it a little peace. And clarity of thinking. And hope. And excitement. And rest. And freedom. And simplicity. And discipline.

The fog is lifting. I have no idea why. But it might mean I can start moving in some direction again. Maybe now, with a little listening, I might find what that direction is.

When I become famous(it should be any minute now) I will have to pick a social issue to embrace. My choice, though trendy, will have to be poverty. I probably choose this becuase I'm rich. This make's it humbling to see others who are so poor. It also leaves me with an opportunity to make a difference.

Everyone in this country is rich, for all intents and purposes, yet we always manage to consume more than we can afford, and we live in debt. I am no exception. And yet, there are still many things that I can always seem to afford, and so can everyone else. The things that jump to mind are the internet, cell phones and cable TV.

Now I've been told in the past that I can feed a child in africa if I eat one less pizza a month and give that money. This sounds like a reasonable solution, but it requires sacrifice.

I have nothing against sacrifice. But I don't think helping those in need should be a sacrifice.

Maybe it's just semantics.

No, it's more than that. It's a state of mind. Somehow, I would want to convince people that giving is another part of the cost of living. It's not a sacrifice, it's a necessity. I "need" to pay $50 for my cell phone each month. And likewise, I need to give $50 to people who are starving each month. This means, in my current state of debt, when i still manage to find a way to pay 50 bucks for my phone, I must also find a way to give. There will be no waiting until I'm financially settled. People are dying while I try to figure my life out.

working forward

I sometimes feel guilty if I am not working enough. I think of people in circumstances worse off who have to work harder and longer for much less in order to provide for themselves and their family. This often makes me think I am lazy if I work less, and that I am not doing my part.

Working more does give me more money, and I could then give more money to help others. But is money really everything? Maybe it's more important to give time.

Perhaps, even, my thinking should be opposite of what it is. Maybe I should be finding ways to work less. Not because I want to be lazy and have more free time, but because I can and so I'll have time. With time, I can think. And with time to think, I could discover ways to help those less fortunate. Heck, not even necessarily those less fortunate, but just help anyone. Maybe I could use my time to know people. To find out who they are inside. To see where they are from. I harldy know anyones past. How stupid is that. Your past is who you are. In this emotionally deprived society, maybe the best thing people need is to express who they are and find someone who will listen.

With my time, maybe I'd look at the hierarchy of needs. I'd have time to do a little research. Then I could see where people are and try to provide accordingly. I could even help others to do the same. Then we could gather resources and do even more. And by working less, I will have helped to accomplish much more.