A Couple Questions

This is hard. This is difficult. This is confusing. This is nuts. I'm nuts. I feel nuts. I need about 75,000 more answers. I'm trying to settle down. Who's responsible for settling me down? Is it me? Is it You? Is there a trick? Am I always looking for a trick? Have I always been like that? Is my entire life about feeling right. Is it a constant quest to feel right? Is that the epitome of self centeredness? What's the trick? Why isn't there a trick? Why do I have to do something different all the time? Why can I remember not feeling this stress yet I can't get back to that feeling? Why is time so desperate. Why do I feel this impulse to use every second wisely? Why am constantly trying to avoid messing up? Why do I feel like that will ruin everything? What is reasonable? What voices am I supposed to be listening to? The ones that set me free? Don't I have some weird ideas for getting free?

Am I stupid to think i'd be fine after two months? Am I thinking it was an event not worthy of this reaction? Am I caught up in thinking my problems don't count? Was that not a major episode? Do I believe that? Do I feel guilty for it? Do I blame myself? Who's to blame? Does it matter who's to blame?

What else is in there? What is in my head? What lie do I keep telling myself? How do I make decisions in this state of mind? How do I trust my choices? Should I commit to anything right now? Or is my lack of commitment the problem?

Why am I so worried? So worried about such unreasonable things? How do I stop this? How do we stop this? Why won't You stop this? Are You stopping this? Do I just need to realize it takes time? Why does it take so much time? Am I learning something? Why do I feel like I've regressed?

Why do I feel OK sometimes? Why do I feel good? Why doesn't it stay? Why does it all seem random? When did it all get confused? Was it always confused? Was my outlook incorrect from the start?

When times are good am I living a lie? Am I oblivious to something? When times are bad, is it my eyes opening? Am I realizing something new and adjusting to it? Should I be sitting still and learning? Should I be distracting myself and escaping?

Do I always run? How do I know if I'm running or moving forward? By staying put, am I actually running? By moving forward, am I actually retreating?

Am I simply supposed to take each day as it comes? Do I waste time thinking about a future that is far too uncertain to predict? Should my focus be on the immediate moment? Would that make me less selfish? Would I be able to see the needs of others? Would I meet them?

Do I spend too much time on the dark side? Should I be making myself laugh? Should I be making others laugh? Should I avoid certain paths? Should I seek out others? Do I just need to express myself? Do I just need an outlet? Why do I use the word “just”? Why do I think it will be simple? Or do I desperately want it to be simple? Do I keep going because I'm convinced I'm on the brink of finding the answer? Do I think everybody else already knows it? Do I think I am one small tweak away?

Why do I feel like I need to give the answer? Why do I feel like I need to be past this? Why don't I embrace being in the middle? Why don't I enjoy the ride? What is preventing that? What responsibility am I putting on myself that I shouldn't?

How close am I to feeling like I once did? How close am I to childlike excitement? How do I keep it when it returns?