clarity
You don't suppose I was really hearing from god everday for a brief 4 month period 3 years ago. You know, that same brief period that felt like 10 years.
I seem to forget that small factor. That from a few hour conversation once or twice a week I had a clear direction of what to do with all my time. And while I keep saying I want to get back to an experience or a feeling, probably what I really want is to recover that guidance and direction.
I also seem to have forgotten that this tuning in ability I seemed to have had must have been a huge factor in my decision to up and go across the country. This has probably been forgotten because I haven't been making decisions like that since. Henceforth, I just seemed to be guessing and going and hoping it feels better.
While I do remember questioning whether I should send that letter, I don't think there was any question about moving. Rather, I seem to recall a very distinct conversation we had on the way to hollywood one sunday night. Where I said "Leave!? You want me to Leave?! Are you nuts!?"
Turns out maybe I was the one that was crazy. And the biggest problem when I reached the other coast was that direction suddenly disappeared. Then I didn't know what I was doing.
But I had a theory, if I just spent enough time praying and listening, god would tell me what to do. That was the entire premise of my previous 4 month excursion, or whatever you call it.
Only it stopped working. I kept trying to give more time, but nothing was happening. I still found no direction. That combined with an unanswered letter and a whole bunch of loneliness left me extremely confused and miserable.
By the time I shifted coasts again, I was so lost I didn't even know what I was trying to return to, let alone how to get there. At this point, all I wanted to do was get rid of the pain and find some peace.
But peace only seems to be found when you are not looking for it.
And now, all of a sudden, there seems to be somewhat of a return in direction and focus, and with it a little peace. And clarity of thinking. And hope. And excitement. And rest. And freedom. And simplicity. And discipline.
The fog is lifting. I have no idea why. But it might mean I can start moving in some direction again. Maybe now, with a little listening, I might find what that direction is.
I seem to forget that small factor. That from a few hour conversation once or twice a week I had a clear direction of what to do with all my time. And while I keep saying I want to get back to an experience or a feeling, probably what I really want is to recover that guidance and direction.
I also seem to have forgotten that this tuning in ability I seemed to have had must have been a huge factor in my decision to up and go across the country. This has probably been forgotten because I haven't been making decisions like that since. Henceforth, I just seemed to be guessing and going and hoping it feels better.
While I do remember questioning whether I should send that letter, I don't think there was any question about moving. Rather, I seem to recall a very distinct conversation we had on the way to hollywood one sunday night. Where I said "Leave!? You want me to Leave?! Are you nuts!?"
Turns out maybe I was the one that was crazy. And the biggest problem when I reached the other coast was that direction suddenly disappeared. Then I didn't know what I was doing.
But I had a theory, if I just spent enough time praying and listening, god would tell me what to do. That was the entire premise of my previous 4 month excursion, or whatever you call it.
Only it stopped working. I kept trying to give more time, but nothing was happening. I still found no direction. That combined with an unanswered letter and a whole bunch of loneliness left me extremely confused and miserable.
By the time I shifted coasts again, I was so lost I didn't even know what I was trying to return to, let alone how to get there. At this point, all I wanted to do was get rid of the pain and find some peace.
But peace only seems to be found when you are not looking for it.
And now, all of a sudden, there seems to be somewhat of a return in direction and focus, and with it a little peace. And clarity of thinking. And hope. And excitement. And rest. And freedom. And simplicity. And discipline.
The fog is lifting. I have no idea why. But it might mean I can start moving in some direction again. Maybe now, with a little listening, I might find what that direction is.
posted by tim at 5:58 PM
2 Comments:
I so hope that your direction comes loud and clear and leads you to your path of hapiness. I am pulling for you.
You have a blog! Dude.
I feel like your writing connects some dots for me about where you're at, and it connects with me in terms of the confusion and lostness.
Ah, putting the time aside! That's the one thing I keep trying to make sure to do, and the one thing that seems so completely impossible to get done.
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