Bitterness

I'm seeing ugly. That is what I am. It's a fitting word to describe my spiritual state(aka my entire self) over the past couple years. I have been immersed in bitterness and the results have been ugly. My outlook sucks and my behavior reminds me of the worst times in my life. I don't know that I have ever been more sarcastic than I am now. It is very much a second nature response and I'm noticing that people aren't getting it. Then I become who I'm not. And who I'm not becomes who I am. Then I begin to wonder "Where have I been?" I am a walking defense mechanism. Avoiding life. For fear of pain I suppose.

I am filled with messed up views of the people around me and myself. I trust no one. In my eyes, their all wrong. I cannot decipher good. I just see everything as screwed up and inappropriate. So I lived detached or guilty. Ashamed of who I am and what I do and afraid to let people know me.

This era in my life has been so long I forgot it had a beginning. There have been several other era's in my life. Alternate circumstances and different perspectives. If I think, I can remember times of hope and joy. I can remember less selfish times. Less guilty times. Less anxious times.

The bitterness owns me. It chokes me. It creates jealousy and animosity.

Getting what I want most is not the answer. Hell, I don't even know what I want. Fame? A wife? To save a soul? Somehow, I must get to a point where I can rejoice over the success of others. Especially when what they have is the thing I want the most. I must stop obsessing over me. I must instead push others toward their dreams, looking to pick them up and meet their needs however I can. Then, maybe I can bring this era to an end.

philosophy

I used to a philosopher. Granted, I probably wasn't a good one, and I most certainly was rehashing ancient ideas, but at least I was thinking.

Now, I am still thinking. And maybe you could argue that I am a different kind of philosopher.

I used to think about everything, I'd try to find the order and logic behind everything I obsereved. I would analyse things in nature, marvel at their complexity, and wonder what God was trying to say. I would think about human nature. Like what's the point of making man sleep one third of the time? Why is he so dependant on repeated, ritualistic things? Why does he think the way he does? What motivates him? What conditions him?

Silence, slowing down, long, deep thought is required to able to think. Really think, not just respond to the cues all around me.

I still slow down. But I don't think about those things. I can't think about those things. I am always left thinking about me specifically. How do I work? What should I do? Why have things happened the way they have, what does it mean? How should I react in the future?

When I think about me, I don't come to conclusions, just confusion. There is too much emotion involved. My mind becomes cluttered and exhuasted. I proceed to feel trapped and anxious. An unsettled mind is not a straight thinking mind. It's an obsessive mind. A trapped mind.

I could stop thinking. I could just be distracted. It's very easy in this society. Easier than not. But I don't think that's the answer.

Finding new ways to express my thoughts could be a start. Changes in behavior spur changes in patterns of thought.

It could be an undisplined mind that I am dealing with. One that was far more disciplined in the past. And maybe I can take a page from the rituals of human existance and apply it to my mind. Then, perhaps I can escape this mental rut that feels forever long.