Bitterness
I'm seeing ugly. That is what I am. It's a fitting word to describe my spiritual state(aka my entire self) over the past couple years. I have been immersed in bitterness and the results have been ugly. My outlook sucks and my behavior reminds me of the worst times in my life. I don't know that I have ever been more sarcastic than I am now. It is very much a second nature response and I'm noticing that people aren't getting it. Then I become who I'm not. And who I'm not becomes who I am. Then I begin to wonder "Where have I been?" I am a walking defense mechanism. Avoiding life. For fear of pain I suppose.
I am filled with messed up views of the people around me and myself. I trust no one. In my eyes, their all wrong. I cannot decipher good. I just see everything as screwed up and inappropriate. So I lived detached or guilty. Ashamed of who I am and what I do and afraid to let people know me.
This era in my life has been so long I forgot it had a beginning. There have been several other era's in my life. Alternate circumstances and different perspectives. If I think, I can remember times of hope and joy. I can remember less selfish times. Less guilty times. Less anxious times.
The bitterness owns me. It chokes me. It creates jealousy and animosity.
Getting what I want most is not the answer. Hell, I don't even know what I want. Fame? A wife? To save a soul? Somehow, I must get to a point where I can rejoice over the success of others. Especially when what they have is the thing I want the most. I must stop obsessing over me. I must instead push others toward their dreams, looking to pick them up and meet their needs however I can. Then, maybe I can bring this era to an end.
I am filled with messed up views of the people around me and myself. I trust no one. In my eyes, their all wrong. I cannot decipher good. I just see everything as screwed up and inappropriate. So I lived detached or guilty. Ashamed of who I am and what I do and afraid to let people know me.
This era in my life has been so long I forgot it had a beginning. There have been several other era's in my life. Alternate circumstances and different perspectives. If I think, I can remember times of hope and joy. I can remember less selfish times. Less guilty times. Less anxious times.
The bitterness owns me. It chokes me. It creates jealousy and animosity.
Getting what I want most is not the answer. Hell, I don't even know what I want. Fame? A wife? To save a soul? Somehow, I must get to a point where I can rejoice over the success of others. Especially when what they have is the thing I want the most. I must stop obsessing over me. I must instead push others toward their dreams, looking to pick them up and meet their needs however I can. Then, maybe I can bring this era to an end.
posted by tim at 6:15 PM
5 Comments:
Well dear, I wish like hell I had some healing words right now. I can say that I know what it is like to feel the excrutiating pain that life can throw at you. It sometimes feels like it will be impossible to overcome it. I spend many days just looking for the answer of how can I escape and change everything so the pain goes away. But it never does. I just have to keep plugging and find the people that make life worth living. Life isn't about things and accomplishments. It's about finding people that can share in your journey, provide you with the companionship, love, and friendship that you need.
Just know that we are here for you, thinking of you and hoping that every day brings you closer to your needs, desires, hopes and dreams. When you need something, friends, family, home, love, whatever... you know who to call.
Don't worry about me(because worry is dumb). I just like to dive into the dark side of the soul. It's very therapudic. A way of exorcising the demons in my head I guess.
But thanks, I always feel very loved by people around me, and that is quite a blessing.
why do you say one thing then mean another? Are you dark or are you light, happy or sad, up or down, right or left, hot or cool, i guess I could go on an on but I won't bore you.
depends on the moment. Currently light happy up middle and hot like wasabi but cool like casey jones.
casey jones is cool. hey who's the babe?
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