Coping With Depression

First Option: Embrace the Tortured Artist

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Dig deep kid, admit it all, hide nothing. Take on too much, let it cripple you. You have an overwhelming fear of loss. Admit it. It comes from your parents. They received that fear when they lost a child. It comes more-so from you. You had to move shortly thereafter. You lost all of your friends. You lost functional parents. You had your first depression, it lasted three years. You'll never have that back. What if things had gone differently? What if you had a different life? Embrace it. Write a story.

You are now so quickly laid to waste when you lose something or think you might. Blame yourself. Be ashamed.

Breathe...Breathe...Breathe.

You met the “girl of your dreams” almost a decade ago. You were amazed that one person could actually fit all of things you were looking for. It was God ordained but for one minor detail, another boy. A man. Must have been a man's man. He married her. You weren't man enough. Blame yourself. Be ashamed. Write a story. You've already written a couple. You knew her for two months. Five years of depression followed. Why is it always two months? Only two months? What the hell is two months? There must be a story. Write it.

Breathe...Breathe...Breathe.

After 3 years, Aaron's death still haunts you. Call it what it is, suicide. You had a chance. You were his chance. You failed. Blame yourself. If there is a story, you will never bring yourself to write it.

breathe.......................breathe..........................breathe............

You are ashamed to have tried to play baseball at 25. (though people always say you should be proud) You are ashamed to have failed. You are ashamed to have thought you could hear God. You are ashamed to have been so shy when you were young. You are ashamed to have not rebelled. You are ashamed to be single. (though you are damn picky) You are ashamed at your lack of faith. You are ashamed to be depressed. (though at least some of it is a chemical imbalance in your brain). You are ashamed of your honesty. You are insecure. You are woefully inadequate. You can't overcome. You are too much of a fool to figure it out. You'll always be lost. You'll always be on the outside.

Breathe...Breathe...Breathe.

Cry. Every 12 hours. Set your watch to it. Get a watch. Be a romantic, live in simpler times. Hold on to the past. Cry at 3:00 PM. Cry at 3:00 AM. (Two rather inconvenient times) Feel out of control. Feel like less of a man because of it. Let that make you feel worse. Hyperventilate. Get struck with anxiety. Drink some caffeine. Make it worse on purpose. Embrace it. Write a story.

Wallow in it. Draw it out. Maybe this one can be seven years.

Breathe...Breathe...Breathe

Second Option: Embrace the Inner Asshole

No offense to your father, but you know there's a mean streak in this family. Stop trying to suppress it. Stop being the one with self control. Be who you are. Unleash the fury. Let the world see your emotions. Make them pay for it.

Find a tree. Chop it down. Take the logs. Throw them. Anywhere. Just throw. Exert energy. Pick up an ax. Picture a face of your choosing. Say hello. Swing the ax. Put your entire body into it. Swing from the depths of your soul. A clean cut is not the mission. Be wild. If you miss, channel more anger, there is plenty available. Swing again. Destroy the log. Split it. Smash it. Take it's life.

And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

Don't hold doors. Walk in front of traffic. Slowly. Return your coffee. Tell off your barista. Insult your coworker. Kick a dog. Punch a stranger. Flip out on a child.

I can't condone it, but I understand my grandfathers desire for an escape. I get the mental strain. It makes sense that he'd turn to alcohol... No. That's bullshit! What the fuck? Don't you see what you did, grandpa? Why couldn't you think of who you would affect? You had resources. You had opportunities. Take some damn responsibility. I didn't even know you, but I can't think straight thanks to you. I'm two generations removed and my mind is fucked. You hurt so many people. How could you be so fucking selfish? I've spent decades recovering from this mental shit. Decades! Fucking decades! I could have been normal. I could have been functional. WHAT THE FUCK!?

And Repeat! And Repeat! And Repeat! And Repeat!

Fuck this life. Fuck my messed up brain. Fuck my past. Fuck anxiety. Fuck my dead dreams. Fuck my my failures. Fuck my fears. Fuck it all. I hate it. I'm done with it. I'll conquer it. I don't give a fuck who gets in my way.

AND REPEAT! AND REPEAT! AND REPEAT! AND REPEAT!

You owe this world nothing.

Third Option: Believe God

Well kid, here you are, back at the beginning. Facing something you've found impossible for a long time. Belief. It's Impossible because of the pain; Impossible because of the other options; Impossible because of unfulfilled promises.

You used to believe. That was so long ago. You've been wandering and doubting for 8 years. You've screamed, you've ignored, you've confronted. You've turned against and you've gone back. You've wavered. You've been like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed.

You've had your moments. You've been blown away. You've been devastated. You've felt abandoned. You've felt turned against. You've been humbled. You've found success.

You've approached life from so many angles. You've hated that you cannot know. You've hated that you're life has been a wash. You've hated being self absorbed. You've hated that you cannot find peace, with or without God. You've missed what it used to be like.

You were right. You cannot know. You don't get to know. What you do know is that you crumble without a foundation. Here, at the bottom, you cannot even function. There isn't much of a choice, then. Believe God is good or die. You can ill afford to wander any longer. Feel free to scream, but stop wavering. Settle in. Find peace. Accept your lot, which you really do love so many aspects of. Believe the pain is for a purpose. Know you have come far already. Trust God like you did so many years ago. Believe He'll do good with the mess that is you.

Have a foundation. Have something to hold onto. Keep walking in the same direction for once.

Hold to your beliefs when you can't see clearly. When a haze cuts off your access to the rest of the world, trust the truth. Your reason remains when your emotions are blitzed, use it to your advantage. But that only works if you have something to believe.

So believe and live on.