Just Being Honest
Two books I have read in recent months are “Losing God” by Matt Rogers and “Losing my Religion” by William Lobdell. Both books talk about crisis' in faith, making them rather applicable to me, but they are vastly different in perspective and conclusion, and neither is incredibly close to my own experience, which must mean everyone has quite a unique experience.
Matt is a pastor at Virginia Tech and a friend of mine. (not terribly close, but we know each other) Lobdell was the religion beat writer at the Los Angeles Times. Rogers' book focuses on his own inward struggle with depression and a feeling of God's absence, the questions of why, and the quest to find Him. Lobdell's focuses on the corruption that is so prevalent throughout all different sects of the church and his eventually loss of faith due to a lack of any substantial difference between a christian and a non-christian on a moral level. A large part of his experience covers his research into the Catholic Church's child molestation scandal and subsequent cover up that seems to have involved much if not all of its upper leadership(many of whom are still in place). What he saw was nothing less than completely horrifying. I imagine the victims of the abuse have to question where God is as much as Holocaust victims. Both being left shattered for years if not the rest of their lives.
Both author's are very honest in their writing. Raw honesty is something I aspire to, especially in regards to my view of God. If He exists, I think He appreciates it. Since they are writing books, they both tend to come to a conclusion. I don't know if that is because people don't generally like loose ends, so they each felt a need to tie it up, or if it's because they really did come to a peace about their own individual outlooks. As they end, Roger's found peace with God and escaped depression while Lobdell found peace abandoning his belief in God.
Then there is me. I have no conclusion. I am maybe a little jealous that either of them has found certainty. Are they serious? I am certain I'll never be certain. Still, I think I'm being honest, and because of that, I also have peace. (at least at the moment, and for the first time in a decade)
Do I believe in God? Depends on the day. I can argue and counter argue myself endlessly if I want. I feel there are an equal amount of things that say God is absolutely real as there are things that say there is no frickin way He exists. There are many, many things. Just about everything points one way or the other. Perhaps I have lived too long...where did I get so many conflicting experiences?
I still talk to God all the time. Mostly it's just to complain. I have about zero reverence for Him. Sometimes that scares me. Secretly I hope that He's got some crazy plan worked up for my life and it's being executed even as I type. Then, one marvelous day, everything will come together and make perfect sense. It's a nice thing to hope for I guess, but life's inference leaves me in extreme doubt.
I have much easier time believing there is a God than I do believing He has any interaction with me specifically. Not so much because of his apparent absence in my life, (there used to be plenty of times where He seemed right there) but because of his total absence from the rest of the world. He just let's things happen. Many of them are quite bad. Some are quite good. Whatever the case, the world moves on without intervention.
Anyway, I'm not meaning to jot down reasons for and against. (I really think I could find thousands) I am just wanting to say that I want to be honest.
I honestly have no faith. I'm the guy blown and tossed in the wind that is referenced in the book of James. “That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord”, and believe me, I don't. I can't fathom a circumstance that would cause my faith to return, but I know that things I couldn't fathom earlier in life have happened, so I won't rule out the possibility.
I still stick to my morals. I am a big fan of biblical morals lived out properly, and think it would make the world a better place in they were followed as opposed to creating a bunch of judgmental people, which sadly seems to be more of the standard.
I am really really really tired of looking for or being offered the thing that's supposed to make everything better. (ie pray more, read the bible more, just trust...etc) I think I spent 20 years doing that. Now I will just live and see what happens. I used to look and look for a calling and the right way to live, always wondering what I should do here and there. Now I am convinced I have no such calling, I am free to be. It is such a huge relief. Besides, on that outside chance that God has some sort of plan, it'll go down regardless, (who am I to thwart it?) so what the heck was I worried about all those years?
It's horribly ironic, but now that I hardly believe in God, the path to following Him seems so incredibly simple, and I feel like I'm doing it, even if it's only because I wouldn't know what else to do. It's for freedom He set us free, right? Ha. I really like the verses that say I can do whatever the heck I want. No pressure. So why is it I almost always want to do good? I guess because I'd want others to be good to me. Hmm...
I'm not much into sermons anymore, though I find some are encouraging or helpful. Mostly they irritate me because they offer simplistic answers that I think are wrong. But I'll try not to say much because how the heck do I know what is wrong, my viewpoint changes all the damn time? I don't read the Bible much at all anymore, but I know it quite well via the channel known as memory. I am slightly adverse to reading it because increased amounts of that activity was so often a 'solution' to whatever problem I was going through. Now I am trying to catch up on classic literature (Tolstoy had way too much time on his hands) and do a little writing myself.
Like I mentioned earlier, I still talk to God all the time, (it's Him or myself, right?) but I feel rather uncomfortable praying in groups a I often feel I have to be dishonest. This is less of the case when I am around very close friends who know my wacky story. If you're a Christian I just met, forget about it, I have no desire to pray with you. In fact, I have little desire to talk to you, because if I try to explain myself at all, you are going to toss out some label and offer a simplistic solution, and I am going to have to suppress a desire to punch you in the face. So now, I instead have to be vague and dishonest to an extent. I don't want to have to be dishonest. That's the moral of this story. Hey look, that wrapped around nicely. Better end it here.
Matt is a pastor at Virginia Tech and a friend of mine. (not terribly close, but we know each other) Lobdell was the religion beat writer at the Los Angeles Times. Rogers' book focuses on his own inward struggle with depression and a feeling of God's absence, the questions of why, and the quest to find Him. Lobdell's focuses on the corruption that is so prevalent throughout all different sects of the church and his eventually loss of faith due to a lack of any substantial difference between a christian and a non-christian on a moral level. A large part of his experience covers his research into the Catholic Church's child molestation scandal and subsequent cover up that seems to have involved much if not all of its upper leadership(many of whom are still in place). What he saw was nothing less than completely horrifying. I imagine the victims of the abuse have to question where God is as much as Holocaust victims. Both being left shattered for years if not the rest of their lives.
Both author's are very honest in their writing. Raw honesty is something I aspire to, especially in regards to my view of God. If He exists, I think He appreciates it. Since they are writing books, they both tend to come to a conclusion. I don't know if that is because people don't generally like loose ends, so they each felt a need to tie it up, or if it's because they really did come to a peace about their own individual outlooks. As they end, Roger's found peace with God and escaped depression while Lobdell found peace abandoning his belief in God.
Then there is me. I have no conclusion. I am maybe a little jealous that either of them has found certainty. Are they serious? I am certain I'll never be certain. Still, I think I'm being honest, and because of that, I also have peace. (at least at the moment, and for the first time in a decade)
Do I believe in God? Depends on the day. I can argue and counter argue myself endlessly if I want. I feel there are an equal amount of things that say God is absolutely real as there are things that say there is no frickin way He exists. There are many, many things. Just about everything points one way or the other. Perhaps I have lived too long...where did I get so many conflicting experiences?
I still talk to God all the time. Mostly it's just to complain. I have about zero reverence for Him. Sometimes that scares me. Secretly I hope that He's got some crazy plan worked up for my life and it's being executed even as I type. Then, one marvelous day, everything will come together and make perfect sense. It's a nice thing to hope for I guess, but life's inference leaves me in extreme doubt.
I have much easier time believing there is a God than I do believing He has any interaction with me specifically. Not so much because of his apparent absence in my life, (there used to be plenty of times where He seemed right there) but because of his total absence from the rest of the world. He just let's things happen. Many of them are quite bad. Some are quite good. Whatever the case, the world moves on without intervention.
Anyway, I'm not meaning to jot down reasons for and against. (I really think I could find thousands) I am just wanting to say that I want to be honest.
I honestly have no faith. I'm the guy blown and tossed in the wind that is referenced in the book of James. “That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord”, and believe me, I don't. I can't fathom a circumstance that would cause my faith to return, but I know that things I couldn't fathom earlier in life have happened, so I won't rule out the possibility.
I still stick to my morals. I am a big fan of biblical morals lived out properly, and think it would make the world a better place in they were followed as opposed to creating a bunch of judgmental people, which sadly seems to be more of the standard.
I am really really really tired of looking for or being offered the thing that's supposed to make everything better. (ie pray more, read the bible more, just trust...etc) I think I spent 20 years doing that. Now I will just live and see what happens. I used to look and look for a calling and the right way to live, always wondering what I should do here and there. Now I am convinced I have no such calling, I am free to be. It is such a huge relief. Besides, on that outside chance that God has some sort of plan, it'll go down regardless, (who am I to thwart it?) so what the heck was I worried about all those years?
It's horribly ironic, but now that I hardly believe in God, the path to following Him seems so incredibly simple, and I feel like I'm doing it, even if it's only because I wouldn't know what else to do. It's for freedom He set us free, right? Ha. I really like the verses that say I can do whatever the heck I want. No pressure. So why is it I almost always want to do good? I guess because I'd want others to be good to me. Hmm...
I'm not much into sermons anymore, though I find some are encouraging or helpful. Mostly they irritate me because they offer simplistic answers that I think are wrong. But I'll try not to say much because how the heck do I know what is wrong, my viewpoint changes all the damn time? I don't read the Bible much at all anymore, but I know it quite well via the channel known as memory. I am slightly adverse to reading it because increased amounts of that activity was so often a 'solution' to whatever problem I was going through. Now I am trying to catch up on classic literature (Tolstoy had way too much time on his hands) and do a little writing myself.
Like I mentioned earlier, I still talk to God all the time, (it's Him or myself, right?) but I feel rather uncomfortable praying in groups a I often feel I have to be dishonest. This is less of the case when I am around very close friends who know my wacky story. If you're a Christian I just met, forget about it, I have no desire to pray with you. In fact, I have little desire to talk to you, because if I try to explain myself at all, you are going to toss out some label and offer a simplistic solution, and I am going to have to suppress a desire to punch you in the face. So now, I instead have to be vague and dishonest to an extent. I don't want to have to be dishonest. That's the moral of this story. Hey look, that wrapped around nicely. Better end it here.
posted by tim at 8:24 PM
2 comments
