Goodbye My Friend

Aaron was similar to me in many ways. Introverted, prone to depression, too caught up in the past. We both spent our 20's lost and wandering, trying to find ourselves. We both chased dreams across the nation and back. We both found escapes in sports and physical activities.

Life follows a fairly routine and homogeneous track until your early 20's. You are constantly surrounded by people in the same situation with similar ambitions. Then freedom takes over, and you all scatter in different directions. Friends are lost to new locations, careers, and relationships. Sure, you don't lose those friendships entirely, but the dynamics change, and an understanding of each other that you once had ceases. Things aren't the same for each of you anymore, you cannot relate on the same level.

As time passes you lose more and more of these friends. It's true that you will pick up new ones who are in the same place in life as you, but they do not carry your history with them, as do the old friends. That history is incredibly precious. Before long, you have few if any friends that carry both that history and your current circumstances.

Aaron held a unique position that no one else will ever fill. Our history holds many spiritual and emotional landmarks, possibly more than any one relationship I've ever had. With Aaron, there was almost no choice but to deal with the very deep every time our paths crossed, it was necessary to break free and stay alive.

In 2004, I started into a blackness I would have never thought possible. Aaron's journey began a little earlier. Had I known how long it would last, it's unlikely I would be alive today. I would have checked out early on. Now, I'm either out, or it's just gotten bright enough to keep me going continuously. I'm certain there is an end. Aaron didn't get to that point. I picked him up where I could. I helped him walk through some devastating issues, and I worried because he had so much further to go than I did. He had fewer advantages playing in his favor. He was missing key experiential insight. I had things I lived through that I could hold onto. He had only theories of what might be. When darkness comes, that difference is monumental. Words can only take you so far.

I am going to get through this darkness. One of the greatest joys of my life was going to be getting Aaron through too. When I get to the other side, when I know for sure I am there, I am going to feel a greater sense of loss for what could have been.

I am so glad for what I was to Aaron. As insecure as I am about about who I should be and what value I am, that relationship is the single thing I am most proud of in my life. I know it was right, I know it was good, and I know it was important. There are probably other things I have done in my life that are important, but I cannot say they were with certainty. I am too skeptical. With Aaron I was certain.

Aaron took his life, and that isn't my fault. I had a chance to save him and I failed. Perhaps it was inevitable. Perhaps I already did all that I could. Then I wish I could have done more, because I wish he was still here. Now I hope for another chance to find someone who needs me, and I hope to carry them through to the other side.

May God Have Mercy

I have a friend who left a message on my phone 2 months ago. It was a very depressed message. But I didn't hear it until 2 days later, so I did not return the call until then. He did not answer, nor has he answered any following calls or emails. Now his phone is always off.

I am almost his only friend and definitely his closest friend. I've searched and all I've found to possibility learn of his fate is an address for his brother from a couple years ago. So I will send him a letter, then I will wait for some word hopefully. Does his brother even know anything about him? Needless to say, I'm feeling helpless.

Often depressed myself, I know the dark places it can take you, and I fear the worst. I am hoping he has merely run away. But he's done that to no avail before.

A girl broke his heart. I know what happens when a girl breaks your heart. I've been down that road. I've been down a road way too similar to his, but I have a large community to fall back on. He has only me, and I'm always far away. I've been climbing out of the hole. He's still sinking in.

I've done what I can to give him hope. I've walked with him where I could. I've helped him. He's told me so. I want to do more. What didn't I say that I should have? Where is the magic fix?

That's something that doesn't exist or I've never known. I know how deaf any words and actions can be at certain times, and I marvel how anyone gets through it. What could I have said?

Life is what it is, and I'll take it is as such. But it would be nice to see some divine intervention or something every once in a while, instead of a seemingly intentional absence.