resentment

They tell me my image of God comes from my Father. How he treated me is how I feel God treated me. I remember a time when I despised my father. It was only a few years ago. It was the time where I was discovering just how significantly his dysfunction has adversely affected my life. During that time, the bad was all I could see, which is why I hated him so. My personality, my dreams, my failures, my justifications... everything had been affected by him. I saw all that I had lost or missed and I cursed him for it. The pain was so great that it masked any good he had ever done. I simply could not see it. I had tunnel vision.

Now, a few years later, I feel like I've completely forgiven the man. The pain has been dealt with and is gone, and I can see many good things my father has done for me. It almost seems absurd to be angry at him. Sure, I still disagree with him sometimes and can be annoyed at others, but the emotional choke hold is gone. I'd say I see him like any friend now, for better or worse, and that that authority I was so desperately trying to get approval from for most of my life.

My quarrel is now with God. He is the one I see as the provider of pain and failure and disappointment. I am too blind to see and good he has done. While He certainly isn't suffering from dysfunction, He is ultimately in control and therefore ultimately to blame for my pain. Just like with my father, I am still responsible to make do with what I'm given and govern my own decisions, but I didn't choose what I was dealt.

I can logically think through and see countless advantages that I've had, but emotion wins every time, and pain will dictate my opinion of God. I see a God who has duped me into missing so much, and I resent Him for it. Yet, like my father during that time, I feel obligated as a son to continue a relationship with God. It feels forced, fake, and extremely guarded.

So I wonder how long it will be until the pain subsides, and I will again see the love of a friend.