1 in 5

this is a very dark post. use discretion if this topic really disturbs you or something. You know who you are. You have been warned.



I just saw a stat that said around 1 in 5 people with depression commit suicide. Holy crap I'm screwed. Those aren't very good odds. But then I thought, there's gotta be lots of people out there, like me, with undocumented depression, so it's probably more like 1 in 7.

I'm totally fine then. Perhaps. The idea scares me though.

I remember as a kid, I used to be scared my dad might try to kill himself. He threatened it from time to time. It's hard to gadge the seriousness of those threats. Seriousness is a bad term. They were definitely serious, but maybe not all that close to actually being carried out. More of a cry for help I reckon. I would always pray that any attempts would be thwarted. I remember feeling very helpless to be able to do anything about it myself. I didn't have the personal experience at the time to know that was very much true.

I also remember thinking suicide was extremely selfish, and not at all sympathizing with anyone who would try such a thing. How could you do that to the ones who love you?

But the suicidal rational became more clear to me during a depressive bout in college. At that time I realized it was nothing more than an escape. As soon as all hope is gone, you are left with no other options. The pain will never end, unless you end it, or by happenstance, accidentally get killed mowing the lawn or something. But then, the end is no actual guarantee it will end, is it?

Over the past 8 years I've come to a better understanding of why one would kill themself. Maybe I just progressing through stages, which is why that stat scares me so much.

Feeling that your actions and the actions of others has no significant meaning is another step toward the dark side. Thinking that way justifies the hurting of those who love you, cause it don't really matter anyway.

Getting that feeling is obtained through being depressed and finding nothing that ends the bout except time. If no action can end it, and the only thing you desire is ending it, then all actions become meaningless.

That is the question I face in this current state of life. It actually explains a ton of my behavior. For example, I have no desire share my faith with others, because I do not want them to experience the mental turmoil I have. I can't sell something I don't believe in, and currently I don't believe the joy outweighs the pain.

It's really a bummer that I've believed in God my entire life, because I now have no prebelief experience to compare it to, and can't comfirm or deny if my belief about joy is true. I only have experienced my own experience, and right now the pain is beating joy 21 to 7 in the second quarter.

Have I ever contemplated suicide? Good question. I have thought about the idea of suicide. But contimplated? I'm gonna try to be honest with myself. It's important. I really want to say no. And I think I can. I have imagined me commiting suicide, but I have imagined me doing millions of other things too. I have a wild imagination. Whenever I watch a movie or read a book, I imagine myself doing anything the chareacters are doing. I have never plotted the steps to suicide, however, and therefore I think I am safe to say there has been no contemplation.

This doesn't mean I am not still scared, because the idea has slowly grown more logical over time. I'm scared more because I know that when I am really low, I feel like I could sell my soul to anything to make it end.

That idea scares me, but it only proves I can think about it, I don't ever actually react with any extreme behavior. but what if someday I do. Fortunately, I guess, I have several other options that I would try before contemplating death. That really has to be the absolute last resort. No one can go back and try option C after that.

So I've at least bought my self a good deal of time before I become a 1 in 5. That's comforting. (sigh)

Maybe my fear is rooted in my peceived lack of control. If I can imagine myself doing things I don't want to do in my right mind, then maybe I will do them against my own control.

I never had control anyway. That's the illusion. So why do I care? It could be I don't have control enough to commit these acts.

Gosh this is a dark topic. I just like to say I'm fine, don't worry about me. Which is really to say I'm not fine, but you can't fix that, so it's a waste to worry. Maybe just pray.

Here's my prediction. I will either continue to slowly walk down this path to certain doom, but probably die of natural causes first, or I will figure out what triggers these bouts and ways to stop them, restoring significance to the actions of man and reverse this bloody trend.

In the meantime, since I can't force myself to be a salesman of stuff I don't really believe, even though I often try to do just that, I need to make the effort to be brutally honest about how I feel to those around me. Maybe not everyone.

This post has me thinking I need some more consistant accountability. Consider it done.

I didn't think I did, because I have been far more depressed in the past. It's much more occasional now, which would suggest I'm heading in the right direction. But this logic trend thing and that damn 1 in 5 stat. scarey.

PS I feel fine now, was depressed on tuesday I think, probably will be good for a couple weeks.