dreamin
Been thinking lately about stuff. You know that's troublesome. And I've come to the conclusion that my mindset might be wrong. And not only because it's changed 35 times previously in my life.
First off, I think I've got a lot of theology down intellectually. And while I will challenge everything, (likely because of a busted past), I will stay firmly grounded in a system of truth.
That last statement seemed to contradict itself. But I give myself grace because I have been awake since 4 in the morning and I'm never really thinking straight anyway.
Here's the skinny.
Hold on.
First, let me say emotions screw everything up. If I could just approach life logically and emotionlessly, things would be much simpler and sensicle, or at least I wouldn't care what happened.
Some might say I do live that way. But we know it's just a front.
Anyway, there must be some point to emotions, but that's not what I'm talking about.
So here we go.
I learned intellectually that suffering causes perseverance, causes character, causes hope a long time ago. These are all good things. I was told to rejoice in my sufferings. Not by some fool. But by several authors of the book I base my life off of.
Learning about suffering experientially came about a long time later.
And while I perhaps had a little difficultly rejoicing during these times, I definitely have seen endless amounts of character developed. So much I even started bottling it.
This has not progressed to hope, however, and I am starting to see why. It's logic's fault.
Every situation that arises is an opportunity for success or suffering. And I think, "well gee, failure would be far more beneficial, as it will teach me all sorts of invaluable things."
I think I've actually broken things down to efficiency. I do this a lot, always trying to maximize the value my life has. Although I know people will be able to accomplish so much more just a few years from now.
But from an efficiency standpoint, suffering would always be a more effective means of growth. It's so much deeper and faster that way. (Faster is a funny term for it, because suffering has a magical ability to make time stop).
But here's the situation. I have been lacking hope because I am expecting things not to work out, thinking not working out is the greater good. Which is fine for becoming a better person, but not so exciting to never see desires fulfilled.
Year's ago I expected everything to work out for me because of my "great faith." It was to be rewarded and much was going to be done. Then I was nicely busted and I was able to see a lot of the stuff I was clinging to and expecting, and how it would have and did hold me back, enslave me.
I'm sure there are more of these things, so why not keep breaking me until it's all gone?
It just seems to make sense. Which is a sure sign that that's not how things work. God's ways are not man's ways.
So while I keep trying to maximize results, he keeps throwing wrenches into the system. You'd think I'd catch on to the unimportance of an efficient lifestyle just by looking around. I'm forced to "waste" a third of my time sleeping. Then I'm dependent on food, warmth, oxygen, and so forth. And if I took a second to look at history, I'd see people waiting 20 years, 40 years, 100 years. As if only to say God can get things done in his own time, or outside of time for that matter.
It's as if dependence on him is all that matters.
Which means he probably isn't so concerned about developing my character in a timely and efficient manner. Plus, he changes his approach all the time. In large part because I change. I could not be broken the way I was ever again. I can only be inconvenienced. I am far less entitled now.
Do you know what this means?
The dream breaking stage is over. I'm on to new things. Which at some point in the future will likely equal dream fufillment. If only because of the stories I have heard. And there have been many of them. Dead dreams coming back to life long after they were buried. So, wouldn't this likely mean I will experience the same. That maybe even God wants to bless me more than he wants to break me. And he will.
Ironically, just like being broken never made sense to me before I was, the opposite is true now. It doesn't make sense to be blessed with fulfilled dreams now.
But then I never really know what's going on anyway.
First off, I think I've got a lot of theology down intellectually. And while I will challenge everything, (likely because of a busted past), I will stay firmly grounded in a system of truth.
That last statement seemed to contradict itself. But I give myself grace because I have been awake since 4 in the morning and I'm never really thinking straight anyway.
Here's the skinny.
Hold on.
First, let me say emotions screw everything up. If I could just approach life logically and emotionlessly, things would be much simpler and sensicle, or at least I wouldn't care what happened.
Some might say I do live that way. But we know it's just a front.
Anyway, there must be some point to emotions, but that's not what I'm talking about.
So here we go.
I learned intellectually that suffering causes perseverance, causes character, causes hope a long time ago. These are all good things. I was told to rejoice in my sufferings. Not by some fool. But by several authors of the book I base my life off of.
Learning about suffering experientially came about a long time later.
And while I perhaps had a little difficultly rejoicing during these times, I definitely have seen endless amounts of character developed. So much I even started bottling it.
This has not progressed to hope, however, and I am starting to see why. It's logic's fault.
Every situation that arises is an opportunity for success or suffering. And I think, "well gee, failure would be far more beneficial, as it will teach me all sorts of invaluable things."
I think I've actually broken things down to efficiency. I do this a lot, always trying to maximize the value my life has. Although I know people will be able to accomplish so much more just a few years from now.
But from an efficiency standpoint, suffering would always be a more effective means of growth. It's so much deeper and faster that way. (Faster is a funny term for it, because suffering has a magical ability to make time stop).
But here's the situation. I have been lacking hope because I am expecting things not to work out, thinking not working out is the greater good. Which is fine for becoming a better person, but not so exciting to never see desires fulfilled.
Year's ago I expected everything to work out for me because of my "great faith." It was to be rewarded and much was going to be done. Then I was nicely busted and I was able to see a lot of the stuff I was clinging to and expecting, and how it would have and did hold me back, enslave me.
I'm sure there are more of these things, so why not keep breaking me until it's all gone?
It just seems to make sense. Which is a sure sign that that's not how things work. God's ways are not man's ways.
So while I keep trying to maximize results, he keeps throwing wrenches into the system. You'd think I'd catch on to the unimportance of an efficient lifestyle just by looking around. I'm forced to "waste" a third of my time sleeping. Then I'm dependent on food, warmth, oxygen, and so forth. And if I took a second to look at history, I'd see people waiting 20 years, 40 years, 100 years. As if only to say God can get things done in his own time, or outside of time for that matter.
It's as if dependence on him is all that matters.
Which means he probably isn't so concerned about developing my character in a timely and efficient manner. Plus, he changes his approach all the time. In large part because I change. I could not be broken the way I was ever again. I can only be inconvenienced. I am far less entitled now.
Do you know what this means?
The dream breaking stage is over. I'm on to new things. Which at some point in the future will likely equal dream fufillment. If only because of the stories I have heard. And there have been many of them. Dead dreams coming back to life long after they were buried. So, wouldn't this likely mean I will experience the same. That maybe even God wants to bless me more than he wants to break me. And he will.
Ironically, just like being broken never made sense to me before I was, the opposite is true now. It doesn't make sense to be blessed with fulfilled dreams now.
But then I never really know what's going on anyway.
posted by tim at 8:35 PM
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